you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
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