I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
