maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
