Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
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