Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
