Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Randomize
