I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
