She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
