How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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