i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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