nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Be still, my beating vagina.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
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