Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
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