Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
