So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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