I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
