my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
