considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
