so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Randomize
