I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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