I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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