I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
