They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
she smelled like a LAN party
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Randomize
