So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
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