my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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