I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
