I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
