I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
