Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
His hands were made for my vagina.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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