apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
