This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Randomize
