I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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