That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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