I'm going to jail i love you
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
