It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize