a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I just gargled with NyQuil
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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