halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
