My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
