Don't you send me to vm
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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