Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
