Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
