i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
