Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
