I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
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