he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
