Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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