im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
