Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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