Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
