Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Just invented taco cereal.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Randomize
