i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
