Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
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