I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
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